Depression is something that I like many other people know too well. I have a story, my oldest son killed himself, also I am an experiencer of crimes against humanity. If I wanted to tell you my story I could make you cry in a split second. However, I do not wish to be that man, one who tells a tale of heartbreak, despair, hopelessness and all the other responses that can manifest after trauma.
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The Room
Some years ago I found myself in a situation where I thought I had lost everything, circumstances were such that I woke up at 6 in the morning in a room with the smell of other peoples smelly feet (definitely a serious problem) and body odour, rubbish everywhere. I was in a backpackers because I had to relocate and it was the fastest solution I could find. That probably doesn’t sound bad but it was the circumstances that lead me there which were heartbreaking. We don’t need that story either, it’s the response we are interested in. Life rolls along and STUFF HAPPENS.
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On that morning was a defining moment, we have all heard of the Dark Night of the Soul when even our god has betrayed us, this was my turn to wander through the Valley of Darkness but not like in the Psalm where there is a hope. I wept, there was grief, it felt like the end of the world and there was no way out.
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Rethinking
I was very lucky as a child, my parents knew I was clever, brains and sensitivity, they said I was ‘deep’. I was very religious and it isolated me, it was odd for a boy to pray for hours, I still think it’s a bit creepy at times. But I loved the ‘space’, the silence in the church where I could escape and my thoughts were free. The story I got from my parents of being ‘clever’ helped shape me. I have always said I am a genius and I won’t back down on that one, I invite others to be brilliant if they can’t cope with being a genius.
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As I lay in my bed with the smell of bad odour around, the germaphobe within was on high alert, I was scared to breathe in case the particles of smelly socks made their way up my nostrils, the bed felt slightly greasy, it was cold, dark, I will add raining even if it wasn’t and I know there were ghosts in the room (another story).
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I See My Light Come Shining
In a moment from nowhere came my inner Batman, Superman or other superhero of choice, he began to push through the negative thoughts, my genius had arisen, the Avatar of Vishnu incarnated, the Christ returned, Buddha awoke… there it was. I saw the doorway and went through, I conquered the Bardo. What I did may not seem overly important, it could be perceived as trivial.
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I cannot remember a day in my life getting out of bed before 6 a.m without a serious reason. I still didn’t get up. I lay there and made a decision that changed my life forever, I decided to go forward and not to wallow in the past. I chose to create a new pathway into forever. I made a conscious choice to do three things after I had jumped out of bed and had showered. The first was I did an hours IT study of a programming language, secondly I did an hours music theory study and thirdly I played two hours of guitar.
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Understanding
What I have said above may not seem significant, however, I made a conscious decision to never go back to what hurt me, to rise above the circumstances that were going on around me which broke my heart (no it wasn’t romance). I planted seeds that would grow into trees in my garden that I knew would eventually outgrow the weeds and vines of entanglement in my life; I trusted in myself. This was just over six years ago and although I like many others have had difficult days, the foundation I laid at the crossroads of my life where I was totally broken has lead me to a wondrous place.
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The Many Forms of Yoga
So why have I called this the Yoga of Depression? To put it simply, everything is constantly unified, it all MOVES in GOD. The word Yoga relates to unity; when we are out of the flow such as in a state of depression or despair we are fragmented, we don’t see the continuation of life, we see things in still frames, the unity is obscured. The ART of life is about turning things that are discarded and broken into useful things. Old branches of trees make it to the fireplace to warm us or even make beautiful furniture. Food scraps become compost to feed the garden. One mans trash is another mans treasure … may we always find the treasures.
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May all beings be happy
Future Yogis 